From the halls of Urban Active to the shores of the Great Miami

There are certain skills that a normal person aquires during their childhood, which for some reason or another I never mastered. While I can repair a watch, teach people to ski and row, or work some mojo with t-sql... sadly, I never learned to hula hoop or jump rope :( While this has impacted my professional career several times, today my weaknesses were exposed in a social setting. I was attending my EverBODIES Bootcamp class at Urban Active, when the instructor set up stations. At one of the stations was the dreaded ropes. I tried my best, but for two minutes the focus of the entire class was on me and my inability to jump rope :(

This was not the worst of tonight's bootcamp, however. On Tuesday of this week I went for a row in Hamilton. The river had dropped since the last time a boat was launched so we had to push the floating dock further out into the river. While pushing the dock out I got quite a bit of river mud on my shoes. I had forgotten about this until I happened to noticed a muddy footprint on the fitness instructor's pants. I recognized the tread pattern as being from my shoe, but did not remember stepping on her. I then looked around and noticed there were bits of mud scattered all across the hardwood floor of the classroom. What's worse, nearly everyone in the class had Great Miami River mud marks on their clothes. It was as if Pig Pen from Charlie Brown was in the class. Who knows how many people I accidentally infected with Hepatitis A, B, and or C :(

P.S. I Love You P.P.S But not when you're pretending to be a dude!

So evidently someone has hacked my netflix account and has added a bunch of girly movies to my queue. I bet it's the same person who hacked my iTunes account and downloaded all of that Belinda Carlisle.

So I found myself forced to watch P.S. I Love You, mostly just to test out my new tv and HD upconverting home theatre.

Then yesterday I was chain saw shopping at Home Depot when someone must have hit me with chloroform. I blacked out and when I came to, rather than having a chainsaw somehow I wound up with my own copy of P.S. I Love You. This madness has got to stop.

So while I was watching it again, I happened to think to myself that Hilary Swank is pretty hot. I check out imdb to see what other movies she was in. I was expecting to see more pictures of her looking like this:

Little did I know that the Swanksta had a less flattering role in the movie Boys Don't Cry:



I'm really not feeling Hilary anymore. For a while I was seeing someone who had a picture of herself and a friend on her refrigerator. The picture was from some sort of costume party where they went as Sonny and Cher--she was Sonny. It's really difficult to be attracted to someone when in the back of your mind you're seeing them dressed up as a man; let alone Sonny Bono. The only thing I can think of that may be worse would be dressed up as Billy Crystal or maybe Larry the Cable Guy... blech!

Adventures in Speed Dating - The Musical

Here is a play by play of my most recent (3rd) speed dating episode. I consider it the most successful to date.

Girl 1: I don't remember what she did for a living. Works in Norwood and lives in Crescent Springs. She grew up in West Chester, went to OU and was pretty promising.

Girl 2: Blonde and probably too thick for me. Also lives in Crescent Springs and had lived her whole life in N. KY. She laughed a lot and it was a really annoying laugh. Nothing too interesting about her.

Girl 3: The highlight of this came towards the end when I asked what she did for a living and she told me she was a school psychologist. I asked if she was picking up on some abandonment issues or a little Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. She found this hilarious and laughed into the first 10 seconds or so with the next guy.

Girl 4: There weren't enough girls to go around, so I had a bye with some other dude. Girl 4 joined up with a few minutes to go. She had on a shirt that read 'Cincinnati Eye Bank'. I made a comment that I was thinking about depositing my eyes into a savings account and trying to draw some interest—she didn't find it nearly as funny as I. I then asked what she did for a living and she replied that she harvests eyes. I asked if she used a melon baller type instrument and she informed me that this was a common misconception. At this point in time the conversation was then taken over by the other guy, who I've dubbed Rusty Grinder. He told her that he frequently gets metal in his eyes while at work (grinding rusty metal). He typically removes it with a magnet. She informed him that was really bad to do and he should go see a Dr. when that happens. He then told the story of how he had a particularly large fragment of rusty metal embedded into his eye that the magnet trick wouldn't work on. He went to a physician who then drilled out the piece of rusty metal. Rusty then attempted to make this story into a catharsis talking about how many things he took for granted before this experience and how it changed his life. He then elated praise towards those in the eye care industry. My expression changed from 'what the hell is wrong with you?' to her and then back to 'what the hell is wrong with you?' to him.

Girl 5: A Mercy graduate. She also attended St. Catherine's grade school. I told her I couldn't remember where St. Catherine's was, and she said Westwood. She grew up there but now resides in Delhi. I started to make the comment of 'well, I guess you've moved up a little bit' but decided to bite my tongue.

Girl 6: A CPA who resides in Middletown. I asked her if she worked for one of the big 5 (not sure if there still are 5). She replied no, at which point I thanked her for her time and told her that I think I have all of the information I need to make my decision. I guess she thought I was kidding as she then asked what I do for a living. I told her, 'computer stuff'. She said, 'ooh! I just bought a laptop' I responded that I couldn't really help her with that, as most of the work I do is server based. She replied, 'Oh no! That's not what I was asking for.' I then told her that periodically a friend will call me and tell me that they think they have a virus, at which point I explain to them that I don't really do that type of work. CPA girl then said, 'Yeah, tell her to get some antibiotics.' I then clarified that I was talking about a computer virus rather than a pathogen. I didn't see the need to point out that antibiotics are typically only effective against bacterial infections and not viruses.

Girl 7: I had my eye on this girl from the start, pretty cute, pretty short. Turns out she's 4'9', deaf, and a dietician at a hospital. While she could make out what I was saying without issue (perhaps a lip reader or coclear implants?) her speech was very difficult to understand. It took four tries for me to comprehend 'if you had a one year paid sabbatical, what would you do?' She was nice, and so far the only girl to select me as a match.

Girl 8: Kelli. Short, cute, kind of thick—I liked her. She had a wine glass, and I think perhaps they must have been offering free refills. She made a face and I think she actually said, 'eeeg!' when I told her I live in Lebanon. After telling her I grew up on the west side, she asked where and said she was very familiar with Western Hills—her father was a manager of Johnny's Toys. I then told her of how growing up somehow I was signed up for the birthday castle but my parents would never drive us to pick up toys. Once the Johnny's toys opened up near us, I took my stack of keys and was able to raid the castle (maybe not my best material). After the final bell rang, we remained seated. To verify the evening was over she said that all guys should have met 8 girls. She yelled out, 'I met 8 girls!'. After the coordinator finished thanking everyone for attending, Kelli said, 'I need chocolate!'. She then walked over to the dessert fondue pot. While she didn't drop in strawberries and bob for them, it was very similar to watch.

Good times.